LOCALadk Magazine

by Rhiannon Berry LOCALadk 54 Book Re v ie w Judi Merriam's Empty Shoes By the Door: Living Aer My Son's Suicide "If you want a happy ending according to the world's standards,this isn't the story to read. Although pain and grief aren't all-consuming the way they once were, my family and I continue to walk with them," writes Judi Merriam in her newly released memoir, Empty Shoes By the Door: Living After My Son's Suicide. Merriam's work is master-class in the art of truth, grace, and hope in the face of the immeasurable loss of her beloved eighteen year-old son, Jenson, on December 23, 2011. With her readers by her side, Merriam writes with striking honesty as she unabashedly chronicles her personal grief journey, daring to "follow Brené Brown's advice and 'rumble' with" the depth of her loss — Brown being one of the countless writers, singers, and thinkers whose wisdom Merriam calls upon throughout her memoir. Merriam's command offor language and commitment to uttering her most intimate truths invites readers into the jagged and jarring trenches of the aftermath of an unthinkable loss. The artful and delicate structure of each chapter ebbs and flows like a mournful melody, complete with cadenzas of hope and renewal. Merriam's favorite songs from a fruitful musical career serve as chapter titles, while the opening paragraphs provide a sweet an- ecdote from Jenson's childhood, each memory serving as a metaphor for that chapter. But in between these moments exists the endless loop of un- answerable questions inherent to any loss, particularly that of suicide — the "whys," "what ifs," and "if onlys" which ceaselessly bombard the mind of thea bereaved. We sit with Merriam as she endures the suffocation of sorrow through joyless days, wondering if light and meaning could ever return to her life consumed by the gaping hole her Jenson once filled. However, Merriam does find momentary pockets of solace — the gift of song, the extension of a loved one's comforting hand, and immersing in the beauty of nature. The Adirondacks were central to Merriam's grief journey, referring to them as her "most favorite place in the world" and serving as "good medicine for the darkness of [her] questioning mind and survival of [her] soul the summer after Jenson died." "In the early days of that season I spent time alone at our cabin," writes Merriam. The weather was spectacular, a gift from God, even though I was so very angry with Him at that time…I swam in the sun, hiked with our dog, and slept to the serenade of loon songs. I was surrounded by beauty wherever I went, and I soaked it in as the healing balm it was. The mountains and their beauty were my refuge. They continue as such in my life." Empty Shoes By the Door is self-admittedly Merriam's story and hers alone — not that of her husband or her two now-adult children, all of whom she cherishes with her entire being — as she stresses the individual uniqueness of grief and healing. She consistently revisits an all-too-often ignored reality that everyone's journey through grief is different, and it is not up to others to dictate what the "correct" way to grieve "should" be. With the flair of a pen, Merriam speaks to not only the bereaved but to those looking to support those suffering loss, offering words of wisdom as to how best support those grieving the loss of a loved one. The incredibly human and humbling approach Merriam takes in sharing her story is applaudable, her ability to touch the experi- ence of losing a child to suicide with such grace and raw vulnerability laudable. Empty Shoes By the Door is a book for the bereaved, for those supporting loved ones through loss, and for those in need of a story of redemption and grace when all hope seems lost.

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